Wanting to be wrong can deepen your relationship...

I’ll set the stage here: I'm working on a new business idea with someone and I had to send a message to a group of people with details about it.

A few days later I received a really aggressive response from one of the recipients (someone I have always considered a friend).

I felt really angry, defensive, and betrayed because I felt that my friend would have asked me to explain myself more fully to understand what I was proposing and not blast me to a group of 20 of our peers. 

This lasted a few minutes, not exactly sure how long because there was s little triggering blurry time until another part of me perked up and presented me with an option, lol.

It invited me to paused and remembered times I have felt these types of feelings and how I handled those times. It invited me to explore if they went well or if what I hoped for happened.   

Usually, it didn’t.  Even if it didn’t turn super ugly and I usually still ended up feeling even worse and more shunned than I did in the first place. 

So this part offered me the opportunity to consider something different. 

Luckily, things were pretty aligned within me that day because all the parts of me were willing to give it a shot. LOVE days like this!

I did my best to put myself in this person’s shoes.  

I did so by first considering the reality that is true for just about - everyone is doing their best.  

Everyone wants to feel loved appreciated and understood.  

And usually due to our traumas and experiences, we all have shit that comes up and sometimes we intend to respond to things in ways that will help us get through a situation better than past ones. 

The reality is the reactions are actually autopilot, just keep the same cycle repeating itself.  *Insert 15-minute lecture about subconscious beliefs here  🤣

More backstory: I had a tendency to personalize things quite a bit and have put a lot of focus into changing that because I saw how it was hurting my relationships or not allowing them to be as deep and intimate enough to feel really secure.

This new ability and level of compassion has been pretty game-changing for me lately. Which really motivates me to keep at it. 

When I don’t like what it feels like someone is “doing to me”, I asked myself if I were doing this to someone, what might be happening within me? 

What is amazing is how not only does it help me enhance my level of compassion for the other person, it helps deepen the relationship because I’m not building a resentment bridge between us.  

The old version of me would have reacted back with the intention of getting him to agree with me so we were on the same page (AKA Fear of being abandoned, left behind or thrown away)

And probably once we were on the same page I would have wanted him to admit he went about it wrong (AKA If I’m right, I’m smart and people will want me around).

This time though, tapping into compassion, I challenged myself to learn so much from his perspective that I could possibly end up agreeing with why he handled it the way he did.

For the record, I actually agreed with all of his points AND was really excited that he made them publicly. 

I felt disrespected how he did it - copying 20 of our peers to his reply - I felt like it was how stoning rituals begin and he was hoping other people would start throwing them too.  

But instead of telling him how his email Impacted me, I asked him more about why mine had such a big impact on him.  Turned out it had NOTHING to do with me AT ALL.  

Once he shared it all, and I acknowledged him, I asked if I may share my experience.  I felt that since I so effortless and objectively heard his, he would feel safe to hear mine as well.

After my full share, without anger or intention, he gave me props for how I handled it and an acknowledgment that maybe there were some shape edges not intended for me. 

All the things my ego craved!

Getting along after an argument or conflict doesn’t only come by forgiving someone or one person convincing the other, it can come from everyone feeling fully heard and considered.

Another great strategy is the “What I like about that is x, y, z AND *insert what you feel needs to be added or modified.”

If you’d like support to feel so solid in yourself that you can handle being told you are wrong or handle rejection without taking it personally, I have the tools for that!

Everyone should own their own business.

A million times in my life I've heard people say that everyone should work in the service industry to know what it is like so they are kinder and more understanding.

I'd actually love to take that a step further and say everyone should have the experience of owning their own business with multiple employees.

Half of the complaints about their job wouldn't exist if they had the responsibility of being the owner.

The hardest part for me was when i felt like my team thought I was looking out for myself because I really did care so much for them and was trying my darnedest to grow the business for all of our benefit.

I used to stress about so much.. how will they pay their bills, grow, feel appreciated (I think this may be where I was least successful) but because I had major scarcity mindset.

The responsibility of owning a business that cost over $60k a month just to be open was so overwhelming (and exciting)

I was very good at strategy, being efficient, creating an amazing client experience and pioneering a lot in the industry.

I certainly wasnt perfect, not even close. But I did my best with what I knew, what I was capable of at the time and where I was in my life.

Now, as I help other entrepreneurs grow their business, not only do we work on things like messaging, their niche, their unique offerings, we also address the most important elements like energy, beliefs and mindset.

Because no matter what words you are saying to your team or clients, how great your marketing campaign, the main thing that is influencing how they feel about you is how you feel.

So even if you know you are great at what you do, if you have a subconscious belief of I'm not good enough, that will create energetic incongruency. This incongruence effects rapport with potential buyers and sadly usually has a negative impact on trust.

Or a belief of I'm not lovable, there may be issues with boundaries, being decisive with your offer and price without second guessing yourself.

Or if you are in lack without enough money or supprt when you are offering your services to someone, without knowing, they may sense this and feel that you aren't looking out for what's best for them but what's best for you... again impacting trust.

So while strategies and systems are so important for the growth of a business (I invested tens of thousands on coaches, consultants and systems) but I wish I had invested in the inner work back then. The investment inner work provides the BEST ROI.

Fun fact about being an entrepreneur: owning your own business is the quickest/best way to uncover your negative beliefs!

Even if you aren't an entrepreneur, inner work is the best investment to live the richest life. Rich in love, joy, adventure, freedom and abundance!

What impresses adults about kids might actually be warning signs

My dad used to talk so proudly of me about the moment he told me my parents were getting a divorce.

My memory is that had on sunglasses to hide he was crying, but that may have been when he told me someone died. Or maybe both, I don’t know for sure.

Anyway, he would talk about how amazed he was by me and how I handled it. while he had been sweating in anticipation for who knows for how long before the time came.

He was so wow’ed by my adultness, my level-headed, problem solving practical approach about it. Who knew it might not have been as positive a thing as he thought.

It is only recently this memory came up as I have been doing some extra deep inner work of my own. It is one of the earliest times that I am able to pinpoint putting other people’s feelings before my own. or maybe it points to my inability to experience my own feeling because I felt I needed to help other people feel good first.

When I saw my dad walking toward me I could see how distraught he was, I could sense the pain and sadness and it was so much I just wanted to make it all better. So instead of having my own reaction to hearing my family was going to be together anymore I worried about how to comfort him and reassure him I saw the bright side. Classic co-dependent behavior.

I can still see my dad beaming as he had shared this moment for so many years with people about how brave I am, how I am so strong I can handle anything…

”So here I am telling her that her mother and I are getting a divorce and Heather just looks at me and says “Will everyone be okay? Will I still get to see you?” and I assured her, of course, I’ll always be close by.” And she says “oh okay” and that was it”

I was 5 when this happened.

He said I didn’t shed a tear (which if you know me, not shedding a tear is an absolute impossibility, lol)
But seriously. FIVE.

It makes me really sad for that version of me. Happy for my dad because it took the weight of the world off his shoulders, but I think I took it and put it on mine, at 5.

How many times have we slighted ourselves from grieving and processing our feelings because we put the people first?

OR do we put other people first because we don’t know how to experience grief or process our feelings?