My dad used to talk so proudly of me about the moment he told me my parents were getting a divorce.

My memory is that had on sunglasses to hide he was crying, but that may have been when he told me someone died. Or maybe both, I don’t know for sure.

Anyway, he would talk about how amazed he was by me and how I handled it. while he had been sweating in anticipation for who knows for how long before the time came.

He was so wow’ed by my adultness, my level-headed, problem solving practical approach about it. Who knew it might not have been as positive a thing as he thought.

It is only recently this memory came up as I have been doing some extra deep inner work of my own. It is one of the earliest times that I am able to pinpoint putting other people’s feelings before my own. or maybe it points to my inability to experience my own feeling because I felt I needed to help other people feel good first.

When I saw my dad walking toward me I could see how distraught he was, I could sense the pain and sadness and it was so much I just wanted to make it all better. So instead of having my own reaction to hearing my family was going to be together anymore I worried about how to comfort him and reassure him I saw the bright side. Classic co-dependent behavior.

I can still see my dad beaming as he had shared this moment for so many years with people about how brave I am, how I am so strong I can handle anything…

”So here I am telling her that her mother and I are getting a divorce and Heather just looks at me and says “Will everyone be okay? Will I still get to see you?” and I assured her, of course, I’ll always be close by.” And she says “oh okay” and that was it”

I was 5 when this happened.

He said I didn’t shed a tear (which if you know me, not shedding a tear is an absolute impossibility, lol)
But seriously. FIVE.

It makes me really sad for that version of me. Happy for my dad because it took the weight of the world off his shoulders, but I think I took it and put it on mine, at 5.

How many times have we slighted ourselves from grieving and processing our feelings because we put the people first?

OR do we put other people first because we don’t know how to experience grief or process our feelings?