I’ll set the stage here: I'm working on a new business idea with someone and I had to send a message to a group of people with details about it.
A few days later I received a really aggressive response from one of the recipients (someone I have always considered a friend).
I felt really angry, defensive, and betrayed because I felt that my friend would have asked me to explain myself more fully to understand what I was proposing and not blast me to a group of 20 of our peers.
This lasted a few minutes, not exactly sure how long because there was s little triggering blurry time until another part of me perked up and presented me with an option, lol.
It invited me to paused and remembered times I have felt these types of feelings and how I handled those times. It invited me to explore if they went well or if what I hoped for happened.
Usually, it didn’t. Even if it didn’t turn super ugly and I usually still ended up feeling even worse and more shunned than I did in the first place.
So this part offered me the opportunity to consider something different.
Luckily, things were pretty aligned within me that day because all the parts of me were willing to give it a shot. LOVE days like this!
I did my best to put myself in this person’s shoes.
I did so by first considering the reality that is true for just about - everyone is doing their best.
Everyone wants to feel loved appreciated and understood.
And usually due to our traumas and experiences, we all have shit that comes up and sometimes we intend to respond to things in ways that will help us get through a situation better than past ones.
The reality is the reactions are actually autopilot, just keep the same cycle repeating itself. *Insert 15-minute lecture about subconscious beliefs here 🤣
More backstory: I had a tendency to personalize things quite a bit and have put a lot of focus into changing that because I saw how it was hurting my relationships or not allowing them to be as deep and intimate enough to feel really secure.
This new ability and level of compassion has been pretty game-changing for me lately. Which really motivates me to keep at it.
When I don’t like what it feels like someone is “doing to me”, I asked myself if I were doing this to someone, what might be happening within me?
What is amazing is how not only does it help me enhance my level of compassion for the other person, it helps deepen the relationship because I’m not building a resentment bridge between us.
The old version of me would have reacted back with the intention of getting him to agree with me so we were on the same page (AKA Fear of being abandoned, left behind or thrown away)
And probably once we were on the same page I would have wanted him to admit he went about it wrong (AKA If I’m right, I’m smart and people will want me around).
This time though, tapping into compassion, I challenged myself to learn so much from his perspective that I could possibly end up agreeing with why he handled it the way he did.
For the record, I actually agreed with all of his points AND was really excited that he made them publicly.
I felt disrespected how he did it - copying 20 of our peers to his reply - I felt like it was how stoning rituals begin and he was hoping other people would start throwing them too.
But instead of telling him how his email Impacted me, I asked him more about why mine had such a big impact on him. Turned out it had NOTHING to do with me AT ALL.
Once he shared it all, and I acknowledged him, I asked if I may share my experience. I felt that since I so effortless and objectively heard his, he would feel safe to hear mine as well.
After my full share, without anger or intention, he gave me props for how I handled it and an acknowledgment that maybe there were some shape edges not intended for me.
All the things my ego craved!
Getting along after an argument or conflict doesn’t only come by forgiving someone or one person convincing the other, it can come from everyone feeling fully heard and considered.
Another great strategy is the “What I like about that is x, y, z AND *insert what you feel needs to be added or modified.”
If you’d like support to feel so solid in yourself that you can handle being told you are wrong or handle rejection without taking it personally, I have the tools for that!