After we lost my brother, I realized I had lost my love for life years prior and I needed to "figure things out" so I planned an escape to Costa Rica. I think a lot of people imagined it was some luxury retreat and part of me hoped it would be.
While it was a privilege to take such a trip it was not as indulgent as people may have assumed. It was for yoga training and while I picked a place that said they had a spa and boutique and air-conditioning. They didn’t. Well, they had air-conditioning but we were not allowed to use it.
On top of that two days before I left home I had to put my soul puppy, Bella, to sleep and it was not a peaceful death. I was heartbroken and a bit traumatized by the experience. I was feeling guilty because I didn’t HAVE to put her to sleep just yet, but since I was going to be away, it would have put someone else is a really yucky position if they had to make the decision. I remember the vet saying she would die of a broken heart 😭
The trip started with my husband there with me for a vacation. I was SO looking forward to this. But I remember it mostly being awkward.
Then, just days before he was leaving and I wouldn't see him for a few months (and over our 7 year anniversary) he stopped making eye contact with me and it completely terrified me. I remember saying something to him, comparing it to when an employee was about to quit working for me they would stop making eye contact. He had nothing to say *shoulder shrug and then farewell.
And I still stayed as he went back home for months of no contact. Did I mention that? No phone or internet while staying at the yoga center.
I didn’t know what was going to happen.
I was worried this could be the end of my marriage but I didn’t really think that could be possible. There is no way it could be. But I was scared.
Or maybe I already knew it was over. Honestly, I am not sure it was all such a blur.
I was not physically fit and was almost turned away from taking the training. I was not as young or yoga experienced as any of the others in my class. I was about 25 pounds overweight, had only taken about 10 yoga classes in my life and man was it HARD!
I was an emotional wreck, I felt like an outcast.
And I stayed.
I worried I may be losing my husband.
I knew I may be done with my business, didn’t know what shape it would be in when I returned, and wouldn't know what to do next.
I struggled every single day (had stomach and bathroom issues the WHOLE time) and I stayed.
I practically hated it and I loved it just as much and I stayed.
When I think about this today I wonder where the Heather who stayed came from. I can’t fathom it - she was brave AF.
One day, on one of the hardest excursions I had to participate in, I cried the whole walk back up the STEEPEST gravel hill I've ever seen to get back to the yoga center. It was grueling. I’m serious when I say it was at least 45% angle (and remember, I was not fit). It SUCKED!
I was so far behind the others it was completely embarrassing and felt physically impossible. I could hardly catch my breath, I was afraid my feet were going to slip out from under me.
I begged the others to go ahead without me so at least no one was watching me freak out doing something that seemed like no big deal to anyone else. Luckily they did because that is when something beautiful happened.
The prettiest little hummingbird flew RIGHT in front of my face... paused and fluttered there for what felt like an eternity.
In an instant that hummingbird helped me believe there was a reason behind it all - that something beautiful lays ahead. I just knew that it was giving me inspiration and telling me to keep going, it’ll be okay. It was magical and soothing.
I got this cute little hummingbird, to hang above my bed to remind me of that no matter what is going on, something beautiful lays ahead.
Also, to remember how brave I am and how much I am capable of. To remind me that even when I feel like I can't handle what is happening and I don't know how I'll handle what comes next, something beautiful lays ahead ♡
I think we’ve all had a hummingbird moment in our life. What was yours?
How often do you tap back into that energy and how do you do it?