What do we do about Grief?

I try to tap into as many resources as possible so I can add to my tools box for my clients.  And right now, it felt appropriate for me to dig deeper into resources for grief.  

For two reasons:

1.     The virus – being isolated and the financial fears many people have – grieving the loss of our norm, our social connections, etc. 

2.     AND a personal experience – 4 weeks ago, I had an abdominal hysterectomy that my doctors have been suggesting for over 3 ½-4 years but I have been hoping to have a child for YEARS. 

What both of these experiences have opened my eyes to is how little we have been taught about grief and holding space without trying to “fix it”.  So many of us try to fix it all.

It is rare that people can just sit while you cry without telling you “It’ll be okay.” “Eventually, whatever it is will not hurt as bad.”  And while that may be true, that idea does not erase the grief of what you may be experiencing… 

For people who get married and divorced young “You have your whole life ahead of you.”

For people in a situation like me “There’s always adoption.  Have you considered adoption?”

Or when someone loses their job “Well, you hated that job anyway, didn’t you?”

It is amazing how little experience the majority of society has on how to deal with grief.  We haven’t been taught much about it and since it is just so uncomfortable, we tend to try to make it all okay - either problem solve or brush it under the rug because…

Gah, dealing with emotions… that’s messy work!  

During times of grieving, I think people want to be supportive and they say things to show you they can relate to what they think you are going through.  

AND I also believe this is because they are subconsciously craving to be validated because they were not given the opportunity to process grief when they experienced it.  I have noticed I am guilty of this!  

We aren’t taught how to process our own grief, how on earth can we support someone else processing theirs?

By nature, I am a fixer.  I want to help people not suffer and through this personal experience, what I have realized is that sometimes supporting someone means letting them experience what they need to experience and just being there, just being with them, for that, just holding space with no attempt of trying to make it better.  

My new intention is to listen to what someone is going through and have compassion, hold space and not compare or try to show them another way of thinking.  

Maybe that means when someone shares something instead of relaying back how I relate, I may say how sorry I am that they have to go through that and that I am here for them so they don’t have to go through it alone – even if that means just sitting in the same room together not saying a word.

If this resonates with anything that you are experiencing and you would like someone to just hold space for you, I’m here. Or you if you need someone to help be a fixer, I’m here for that as well.