After recently moving to Florida this fall, not sure what the future of my relationship might be,
my father asked if I would like to visit for Christmas. He is going through treatment for bladder cancer, so I wanted to see him.
Then all the feelz came up about my partner, too many to even describe and I told my dad that if I did come visit, I would really want to go back “home” and see my partner and his son too.
I had to ask my mother to take care of my cats while I was gone. This was dreadful, not because of her but because I felt so awful, like the f’ing nerve of me to ask for this. If it wasn’t for her help, I wouldn’t have been able to come to Florida to begin with (and if you don’t know the story, I needed to take this time to work on myself and my business) She is making tremendous sacrifices to make this possible for me so I can’t even come close to explain how uncomfortable I was to share with her that I wanted to go back. But I did and with love, support and a gentle voice of concern she agreed she would watch overs my cats while I was away.
The morning of my flight, I arrive at the airport. This was the first time in my life I packed days before a trip and got to the airport earlier than required. I have never done this – EVER and never thought I would! Thank goodness I did because I went to the wrong airport! Yeah! Who does that?! GAH!! ME! Immediately, tears filled my eyes, I ask if I can make it to the other airport in time - Everyone looked doubtful and replied with a reluctant maybe.
I immediately called my mom for even more help to ask if she could please call the correct airport to let them know I am on my way and please do everything they could to make it possible for me to get on that flight.
Now, as I sweat worrying that I’m going to get pulled over for driving 90 miles an hour and miss my flight, thoughts of “maybe I’m not supposed to go” start flooding my system. “Maybe that was the universe putting its barricade up.” And of course, I kept speeding, lol.
Not only do I make it to the other airport on time, boarding was delayed, so I got to sit and relax before hopping on the flight. 😁
Anyway, a few hours later I arrive back in Pennsylvania and run into trouble with getting my rental car (again, is this the universe?!? Finally, I get the rental and I started heading for home.
I hadn’t given a lot of thought what it would be like when I got there, I was just excited to be going. But I’ll say it was like nothing I expected. The only way I can describe it is: as if I had been dating a guy for a while, everything feels just right, things have been getting serious enough that I’ve met his son, and this is the first time I am coming to their home. Can you imagine that dynamic? If I’m not explaining it well enough, let me say it was hallmark movie - perfect vibes.
It was the most bazaar, giddy, comfortable, exciting, good feeling I have in that house for a very long time, maybe ever. And we had been living there together since we bought it over 3 years ago.
My partner looked different, more so, he felt different - his energy was so settled, sweet, adoring and soft. I felt welcome and wanted 🥰 It was so much more than I expected, and this threw me for a major emotional loop. The next day, I started getting emotional about everything. I am highly emotional, but this was extreme. Something amazing would happen and I would start to cry because I would think how I was going to be leaving in a few days. I would feel really safe and comfortable with him and I would start to cry because I would start worrying that it isn’t safe to let my guard down because I might get hurt, again. It was an emotional roller coaster and too many boxes of tissues.
Then, there was a moment that I asked myself, why are you crying? Is this about the past or the future?
For goodness sake, Heather, be here. Be HERE, in the moment and just soak it in, enjoy it and let go of all the other shit.
So, this is what I learned (re-learned) - A simple way to become more present and proactive if needed..
During any emotional or anxiety spiking moment, Ask:
What is causing uncomfortable feelings?
Are you thinking about the past or worrying about the future?
If the answer is yes to either - Come back to the moment, sink yourself into right now and savor it!
If the answer IS actually about the present moment because something is off, unfair, uncomfortable, ect. then ask, What can I do to change what is happening or what I think about what is happening so I can feel better?
Yep, It is that simple.
Let me know how it works for you. ♡